in a total mess now. out problem didn't begin recently. a year ago, i wrote on my blog:
"i dont know since when, we seem to draw apart from each other well, to be specific, not 'seem', it's for real we no longer have heart-to-heart talks like last time, and i never know what u're thinking anymore when i know something about u, it's not from u, but most of the time from some strangers at the very start, when we didnt contact so often anymore i thought it was okie. i thought that our friendship would last like that forever because i thought we had the mo4 qi4 for each other that we would noe each other's heart without the communication and then after a while when i see u going out with others so often and i realised that when's the last time we go out? suddenly i felt so insecure. insecure about us, our friendship we had gone so far together so many things, we went through together i know u, and u know me, and deep inside i know u're a special part in my heart that nobody else can ever replace yes. nobody else. dont doubt it. so i decided to do something i smsed u, told u how i felt about our friendship told u that i started to feel insecure about our frenship and that we should have another of those heart-to-heart talk that we used to always have and then, unlike what i expected, u did not reply it was the most disappointing thing i ever experienced in my life i waited for ur reply for more than 24hours and i waited and waited. nothing came i cried and i thought that u didnt care anymore i was angry. yes i was. and upset. very, very, very upset in school when i saw u, when i saw that u still talk and smile to me like nothing had happened i felt like giving up and i admit that, for a period of time, i reali did i didnt care about u anymore didnt call u, sms u, tell u anything about my life and u didnt even realise did u? maybe u only realise when u come to read this that is, if u bother and come to read it and then u'll be shocked that i felt like this but like i already said, u dont know how much i treasure this friendship or rather, i dont think u know so then i start to be closer to fong and spent more time with her its not a mistake bcos she's a nice friend and she's close to my heart one of my bestest friends but she never replaces u because u are u and u are special nobody can replace u ... what's important is that u're still, and will forever be important to me i reali wish u'll be back to that place where u began where we began together for any matter whether u care or not i will still be here for u that is, if u still need me to be here because i miss u alot alot alot and i hope that what i pray do come true that u'll live happily ever after whether or not i am in that picture"
and i look at us now. i realise, im not that firm anymore. im sorry, but yea, im not firm, not sure anymore. i dont know how to decide. i dont have the confidence in myself that i'll put in my all to repair what we have because, after all these things, after all these disappointments and tears and disputs, im so utterly drenched.
i am so, so tired to go on.
but i really really want it back. trust me that i really want what we had back, that is, if it still can be that complete picture.
today bernard told me that the decision is with me and that even if it wouldnt go back to how we were like before, it would be better that just being acquaintance. but that's not what i want. because that's not what i remembered, though it's been a long time since i last remember us being the 'us' that i remember. but i really, really dont have the confidence that we would, like what everyone told me, go back to where we began. i dont.
i know that you care. but sometimes it's not the matter with that anymore.
tears will come to a stop when you're too tired from crying. and i am, tired. from all those crying. cramming up the bed and crying to 2am, that's not what i want anymore. im so, so tired of this kind of life.
thank you for caring. thank you for all that you've given me, all the happy times that we had together. and thankyou so much, for treasuring me so much.
im in such a mess. i dont know what to do.
and no matter what the outcome will be, just like what i said a year ago, that i hope you'll live happily ever after, whether or not i am in that picture.
edit/
hai that was emo i forgot to blog about the rest.
yesterday went splurging. and it's literally SPLURGE you know. my 100bucks gone. for 2shirts and a skirt and a pair of slippers. and pastamania. and i almost went shopping ALONE if not for fong&emily DOING HOMEWORK at marina square /: but seriously, it was just walking around to san4xin1. i was really really on the urge of exploding yesterday, because of, something. and at night met calvin for dinner. AND HE TOLD ME I HAVE TO GO PHONELESS AGAIN D: D: ok nevermind. but because of the splurging and eating yesterday, i felt better. thanks fong&emi&cal(:
well today went to do homework listen to bernard nag because I DIDNT HAVE PEN. can you imagine that we went to STUDY AND DIDNT HAVE STATIONATRIES?! i still want to scream at him thinking about it now /: but ok la, he's nice to teach me physics, considering that i nearly FAILED PHYSICS AGAIN. and he was so tried from all that talking that he fell asleep in eileen's house later on lol. and eileen asked me "is teaching you that tiring?" WHAT THE?! >.
yea so after physics session jan came and we talked, and then went to eileen's house to BAKE CAKE AND COOKIES. i went cos i had nowhere else to go and it felt kind of weird /: well actually i didnt do anything much la just watched lilo&stitch2 and nanny macphee. and eat cake and cookies of course :D alex and sarah and aubrey and melanie and xinyi were there too. lol random&weird mix of people.
but anyway, really have to thank eileen for keeping me for the afternoon or i'll have to stay at home and coldwar with my mum /:
